Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do

I’m not very superstitious, but I’d just rather not even think about what comes to mind when I look at this topic.

I have two children that I love more than anything in the universe and I just refuse to outlive them.  The end.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

I hope to go back to school and finish this time.  I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me and also considering the lack of free time outside of work and my family, but I wish so much to go back and get my nursing degree.  Then maybe even be able to take the next step and receive my masters to work in an advanced practice role, like Midwifery.

I can’t decide if I want to work in Maternal Fetal Medicine with High Risk pregnancies or in an Adolescent Ob/Gyn practice area.  I’ve experiences both first hand.  I found out I was pregnant at 19 with my first daughter and then developed Preeclampsia, experience 2 weeks of bed rest and then was induced 2 weeks early.  When I was pregnant with Rory, they found a Chorioangioma and so with both pregnancies I was monitored weekly.  Those nurses who provided my prenatal care and were with me throughout my labors are people I will never forget.  I aspire to be half as good as they are one day.

I need to be a nurse.  If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would quit my job, but I would use the money to support my family while I went back to school full-time.  It’s in my heart, but finding the guts to put other priorities second and go back after that dream has been hard for me.

Dear Helmet Head,

#Tweet Your 16-Year Old Self

There is so much I want to tell you, warn you about, but these are what came to mind first.

• Real friends don’t put you down or talk behind your back, no matter what.  You know who your real friends are, so stop hanging on to those three that are bad for you.
• No matter what she says, you CAN get into college without your parents support.  Don’t be ashamed, talked to a guidance counselor.  Don’t let your grades and SAT scores go to waste.  They will help you figure out a way to make it happen.
• Talk to D’s parents about stuff going on and things you need help with, they are your 2^nd home and they have your best interest at heart.  They will keep you moving in the right direction.
• Stick close to J.  You’ve been friends since K and you will regret drifting away senior year because she passes that following Fall and you never forgive yourself for the space you put between you.
• It’s okay to like school and be a “geek”.  Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
• You are not fat.  It’s ok to have a butt and boobs and that’s why your clothes fit different.
• Your best friend has a crush on you.   That thing they say about boys teasing is true.  Rock your haircut and fuck everyone else.

Stop by at Chibi Jeebs place and play along.  I had fun reading everyone’s tweets and thought I would link up.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I need to forgive Tim.   I need to forgive him for the past.  For something that I always looked at as a choice, but in reality it was out of his control.   I need to forgive him for not getting help sooner and for not always following the advice of others that had more experience and time, which led him back to his lowest point, many times over.

I know I need to forgive him and I want the past to be in the past, but the past is still fresh.  It’s scary to think where he is now could be gone in an instant.  I have a hard time letting my guard down, so that I can enjoy the now.  I’m working on forgiveness though because it’s important to both of us.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’ve been avoiding this one, big time.   There are so many things I fault myself for and to be honest, they all end up circling back to my oldest daughter specifically.

I need to forgive myself for not being more prepared to become a mother when I did.  I became a mother at 20, while still living under my mother’s roof.  I had a job, a bank account, savings and a car, but that’s about it.  No degree, no career, house or even my own apartment.  I feel like I cheated my daughter and that is the last thing I would want to do.  She is the love of my life and even though I have worked so hard and always put her first, I always feel like I should’ve done more and been able to give her stability from day one.

Instead she grew up with me.  It’s something that keeps me up at night

I went back to school about four months after she was born and did a majority of my perquisites for nursing school.  I felt so guilty being away from her so much because I was working during the day and going to school at night.  Then Tim started mandatory classes for the Electrical Union and so I stepped down and quit.  I didn’t see what could’ve been our future if I had begged my mother for help at night.  I kick myself for where I could be right now 10 years later.  Definitely not typing this from the cubicle where I sit today.  It sucks.

I need to forgive myself for not always having the money for things that she wants.  I need to forgive myself when she asks why we don’t own a vacation home like her friends or get to go on as many trips as they do.  I need to forgive myself for not being able to be there after school or be able to chaperone field trips.  I need to forgive myself for not being the mother I planned to be for my children and use guilt to motivate me to keep putting my best foot forward.

PASTA WITH SPINACH ARTICHOKE PESTO

I just recently submitted this post for review on a food blog I love, but thought I would share it here in the meantime.

If you like spinach and artichoke dip, you will love this recipe.  I saw Rachel Ray make it on the Food Network and while I’m not always into her recipes, this seemed like a somewhat healthy dish that could be thrown together pretty quickly.

The original recipe calls for mint, call me crazy, but I’m pretty much all set with mint being in my food, so I left it out.  I left out the almonds too because I didn’t have any on hand.

You will need:

• 1 pound pasta.  I think ziti or rigatoni works best.
• 2-4 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 1 (15-ounce) can artichoke hearts, drained and quartered
• About 5 oz baby spinach.  I used almost an entire package of Olivia’s Organic
• 1 shallot or ¼ chopped onion.  Both work.
• 1/2 cup chicken or vegetable stock.
• 1 or 2 cloves garlic, smashed up like a paste or use a garlic press
• About ½ cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese. I eyeball it.

Start by getting your pasta boiling in some water with salt.  You will want to reserve 1 cup of the pasta water to finish off the pesto.

In a non-stick skillet, heat about a tablespoon of evoo and sauté the artichokes until they are cooked through and turn off the heat.

In a food processor, add the spinach, shallot/onion, garlic, salt and pepper and the stock.  Turn it on and drizzle in about 2 tablespoons of evoo.

This is where it can go either way.  The first time I made this I just added the pesto to the skillet with the quartered artichokes like the recipe said. While everyone like it, my 10yr old suggested it would be better if I put the cooked artichokes into the food processor with the pesto.  I personally agree.

Chunky:  Add the pesto to the artichokes in the skillet.

Smooth:  Add the artichokes to the food processor and blend for about a minute and then dump it all into the skillet.

Turn the heat on and start stirring.  You’ll notice the pesto is pretty thick.  Slowly add the cup of pasta water to your desired consistency. I use the entire cup.

This sort of shows the color and consistency

Finish it off with your grated cheese and taste.  I usually drizzle in another tablespoon of evoo into the pesto or just add it to the pasta instead to coat.  Then toss your pasta with the pesto and you are done.  Enjoy.  My girls love it.

We eat this dish hot, but I lately I’ve been making an extra batch because Haley likes it as a cold pasta salad sometimes and will take it to school for lunch.  You can add a jar of Trader Joes Roasted Peppers and even some grilled chicken.

Once I substituted quinoa for the pasta.  That night I was asked to pack an extra container to share with her friends.

For the quinoa I just buy the box at Trader Joes.  Add 3 cups of water to 1 cup of quinoa and bring to a boil.  Cover and simmer until you see the spirals form.  Then drain the excess water lay a dish towel over the pot, cover and let sit for another 5 minutes or until fluffy.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I’m not one to give myself compliments, but the one thing I will always stand by is that I am a good friend.  My friends are extremely important to me.  I treat them like family.

• If you need to talk, I put down what I’m doing.
• If you have a secret, I’ll keep it safe.
• If I disagree with a choice you make, I’ll be honest, but I will do my best to stand by and support you and hope that it does work out for the best.
• If you’re going through a rough time, I’m pouring the wine.
• If you need to celebrate, we’re going out for beers.

I will never be fake with you.

I put 110% into my friendships, and as long as I feel that you value me just the same, you will never get anything less.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I couldn’t think of the right word to use and am still unsure if this really encompasses it all, but I have extremely low self-confidence and I hate it.

I don’t know how to fix it.  The constant guilt I feel and setbacks in life I have experienced have caused me to constantly judge myself.  I compare myself to others or hold resentment towards people in my life that I blame who I believe could’ve been more supportive while I was growing up.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and do over.  I dwell on them and have a hard time moving forward because of that.

Recently my therapist told me that I need to realize that this is causing me to become extremely depressed and because I’m always “looking at life through this half-empty glass”, she wants to refer me for an evaluation for an anti-depressant.  Something I’ve always been afraid of because of a fear of creating dependence.  I told her last week, I would think about it.

I know my girls deserve a mom who can love and take care of herself.  Someone they can look up to and be proud of.  So, at my weekly appointment I will agree that I will do whatever it takes to better myself even if it brings medication into the picture.

I know it can’t change the past, but maybe it will help me take a baby step forward.

30 Days of Truth

I read about this on a blog I love and immediately wanted to do it.   I don’t know why I’m so scared of committing to things.  It took me this long, but I’ve finally decided I want to do this for me.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

small change

When I look back about 10 years I see so much has changed around me and within me.  I became a mother at 20, went back to school, put school on hold, worked my ass off, battled with the ups and downs of my weight, became a mother again at 28 and struggled through the highs and lows of life.

This journey through life has changed me, some for better and some for worse.  I’ve put things in my life on hold with the intention that it was for the better of my family.   I regret those choices and unfortunately have beaten myself up for it many times over.  It caused me to lose confidence in my decision-making and I’ve been going through life second guessing myself. And that sucks.

I used to take the time for me to care for the way I dressed, did my hair and would walk around with my head up and a smile on my face.  And it was genuine.   Now my smiles feel forced, unless I’m around my kids or chatting with friends online.   I’m determined to change that.  To find what used to make me happy again and open myself up to new experiences that will bring back the feelings that built up inside and make it impossible for me to not smile because over the years, my presence in pictures has dwindled and become almost non-existent.  I hate it.  I have tons of pictures of my kids and friends and family, but hardly any with me.

I used to jump in front of the camera, to smile, goof off or just to be part of a memory.  Lately, I was afraid of how I would look.  Would my weight cause me to delete a picture that included someone else that I loved only because I couldn’t stand to see what everyone saw.  I couldn’t take the chance.

This weekend I decided to make a small change.  I was spending time take pictures with Rory and got some great shots.  We had just had breakfast and were goofing around.  No shower, no makeup, but somehow I suddenly had the balls to be in front of the camera.  I had to have proof that I was there for these good times and will continue to be for as long as I live.  I will find my happy again.