Wordless Wednesday: “Big Girl Bed”

Doesn’t this make you to take a nap?

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Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I need to forgive Tim.   I need to forgive him for the past.  For something that I always looked at as a choice, but in reality it was out of his control.   I need to forgive him for not getting help sooner and for not always following the advice of others that had more experience and time, which led him back to his lowest point, many times over.

I know I need to forgive him and I want the past to be in the past, but the past is still fresh.  It’s scary to think where he is now could be gone in an instant.  I have a hard time letting my guard down, so that I can enjoy the now.  I’m working on forgiveness though because it’s important to both of us.

Wordless Wednesday: Grandpa’s “motashycle”

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

A day at Honey Pot Hill.

small change

When I look back about 10 years I see so much has changed around me and within me.  I became a mother at 20, went back to school, put school on hold, worked my ass off, battled with the ups and downs of my weight, became a mother again at 28 and struggled through the highs and lows of life.

This journey through life has changed me, some for better and some for worse.  I’ve put things in my life on hold with the intention that it was for the better of my family.   I regret those choices and unfortunately have beaten myself up for it many times over.  It caused me to lose confidence in my decision-making and I’ve been going through life second guessing myself. And that sucks.

I used to take the time for me to care for the way I dressed, did my hair and would walk around with my head up and a smile on my face.  And it was genuine.   Now my smiles feel forced, unless I’m around my kids or chatting with friends online.   I’m determined to change that.  To find what used to make me happy again and open myself up to new experiences that will bring back the feelings that built up inside and make it impossible for me to not smile because over the years, my presence in pictures has dwindled and become almost non-existent.  I hate it.  I have tons of pictures of my kids and friends and family, but hardly any with me.

I used to jump in front of the camera, to smile, goof off or just to be part of a memory.  Lately, I was afraid of how I would look.  Would my weight cause me to delete a picture that included someone else that I loved only because I couldn’t stand to see what everyone saw.  I couldn’t take the chance.

This weekend I decided to make a small change.  I was spending time take pictures with Rory and got some great shots.  We had just had breakfast and were goofing around.  No shower, no makeup, but somehow I suddenly had the balls to be in front of the camera.  I had to have proof that I was there for these good times and will continue to be for as long as I live.  I will find my happy again.

Wordless Wednesday

Doing Wordless Wednesday a little different this week.

Still one of my favorite songs ever.

Wordless Wednesday

I’ll be on my boat

Well metaphorically speaking that is because I don’t actually have a boat.  I’m just all up in my head lately and not really paying attention to those around me.  I’m not purposely ignoring them, it just comes in spurts.  One minute I’m able to hold a conversation, be supportive and what not.  Then there are moments I’m about as good conversationally as a ChapStick.

So, for now I’ll be on my boat.  A boat that is tied up at the dock and anchored because I would damn near have a panic attack if ever really surrounded on all sides by ocean.

Wordless Wednesday

Sort of.

This picture is a few weeks old. I took it from my Blackberry and switched it to b&w because the red eye and poor quality irritated me, but the picture cracks me up.

Rory attempting to do a forward roll on her own.

The newest in yoga poses, downward baby.

Wordless Wednesday

This is one of the first pictures we have of Rory.

It sums up how I feel this week.

Here are some that bring me to my happy place for the time being.