Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

I hope to go back to school and finish this time.  I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me and also considering the lack of free time outside of work and my family, but I wish so much to go back and get my nursing degree.  Then maybe even be able to take the next step and receive my masters to work in an advanced practice role, like Midwifery.

I can’t decide if I want to work in Maternal Fetal Medicine with High Risk pregnancies or in an Adolescent Ob/Gyn practice area.  I’ve experiences both first hand.  I found out I was pregnant at 19 with my first daughter and then developed Preeclampsia, experience 2 weeks of bed rest and then was induced 2 weeks early.  When I was pregnant with Rory, they found a Chorioangioma and so with both pregnancies I was monitored weekly.  Those nurses who provided my prenatal care and were with me throughout my labors are people I will never forget.  I aspire to be half as good as they are one day.

I need to be a nurse.  If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would quit my job, but I would use the money to support my family while I went back to school full-time.  It’s in my heart, but finding the guts to put other priorities second and go back after that dream has been hard for me.

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Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’ve been avoiding this one, big time.   There are so many things I fault myself for and to be honest, they all end up circling back to my oldest daughter specifically.

I need to forgive myself for not being more prepared to become a mother when I did.  I became a mother at 20, while still living under my mother’s roof.  I had a job, a bank account, savings and a car, but that’s about it.  No degree, no career, house or even my own apartment.  I feel like I cheated my daughter and that is the last thing I would want to do.  She is the love of my life and even though I have worked so hard and always put her first, I always feel like I should’ve done more and been able to give her stability from day one.

Instead she grew up with me.  It’s something that keeps me up at night

I went back to school about four months after she was born and did a majority of my perquisites for nursing school.  I felt so guilty being away from her so much because I was working during the day and going to school at night.  Then Tim started mandatory classes for the Electrical Union and so I stepped down and quit.  I didn’t see what could’ve been our future if I had begged my mother for help at night.  I kick myself for where I could be right now 10 years later.  Definitely not typing this from the cubicle where I sit today.  It sucks.

I need to forgive myself for not always having the money for things that she wants.  I need to forgive myself when she asks why we don’t own a vacation home like her friends or get to go on as many trips as they do.  I need to forgive myself for not being able to be there after school or be able to chaperone field trips.  I need to forgive myself for not being the mother I planned to be for my children and use guilt to motivate me to keep putting my best foot forward.

See what I see

You have beautiful curls in your hair. Natural golden waves that are smooth and shiny, but you wish them straight.

Your eyes are the most enchanting green, your lashes long. Your teeth, straight and white.  Some would say perfect.  You wish for glasses and hope for the day you may need braces.

You are 4’4, tall and athletic. You describe your friends, “so tiny and cute”.

I think you are perfect, amazing, brilliant.

I am determined to help you to see what I see.

I love you.