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Archive for August, 2010

small change

When I look back about 10 years I see so much has changed around me and within me.  I became a mother at 20, went back to school, put school on hold, worked my ass off, battled with the ups and downs of my weight, became a mother again at 28 and struggled through the highs and lows of life.

This journey through life has changed me, some for better and some for worse.  I’ve put things in my life on hold with the intention that it was for the better of my family.   I regret those choices and unfortunately have beaten myself up for it many times over.  It caused me to lose confidence in my decision-making and I’ve been going through life second guessing myself. And that sucks.

I used to take the time for me to care for the way I dressed, did my hair and would walk around with my head up and a smile on my face.  And it was genuine.   Now my smiles feel forced, unless I’m around my kids or chatting with friends online.   I’m determined to change that.  To find what used to make me happy again and open myself up to new experiences that will bring back the feelings that built up inside and make it impossible for me to not smile because over the years, my presence in pictures has dwindled and become almost non-existent.  I hate it.  I have tons of pictures of my kids and friends and family, but hardly any with me.

I used to jump in front of the camera, to smile, goof off or just to be part of a memory.  Lately, I was afraid of how I would look.  Would my weight cause me to delete a picture that included someone else that I loved only because I couldn’t stand to see what everyone saw.  I couldn’t take the chance.

This weekend I decided to make a small change.  I was spending time take pictures with Rory and got some great shots.  We had just had breakfast and were goofing around.  No shower, no makeup, but somehow I suddenly had the balls to be in front of the camera.  I had to have proof that I was there for these good times and will continue to be for as long as I live.  I will find my happy again.

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I love this routine. It gives me chills each time I watch it.

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fix you

When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth…

-Coldplay

When you called last night, it felt different.  I was happy, relieved at the sound of your voice and the truth of your ambition.

In the past these calls would’ve shaken my nerves and fed my anxiety and fear of what was next to come.  But not last night.

I usually try to trust my gut and to be honest, there have been times that I’ve ignored it because I just want things to be easy and back to “normal” as quickly as possible.  We both realized more time was needed.

You are entering the next phase at the recommendation of those who got to the bottom of things, we hope, and started the process to make things right again.

This next step, however, was yours to commit to and you did for the better of you and our family.  I love you for that.  I am so grateful that after many years of questioning and assumptions, ups and downs, you may have finally found the help that will guide you home.  For good.

We miss you.

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