Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

I hope to go back to school and finish this time.  I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me and also considering the lack of free time outside of work and my family, but I wish so much to go back and get my nursing degree.  Then maybe even be able to take the next step and receive my masters to work in an advanced practice role, like Midwifery.

I can’t decide if I want to work in Maternal Fetal Medicine with High Risk pregnancies or in an Adolescent Ob/Gyn practice area.  I’ve experiences both first hand.  I found out I was pregnant at 19 with my first daughter and then developed Preeclampsia, experience 2 weeks of bed rest and then was induced 2 weeks early.  When I was pregnant with Rory, they found a Chorioangioma and so with both pregnancies I was monitored weekly.  Those nurses who provided my prenatal care and were with me throughout my labors are people I will never forget.  I aspire to be half as good as they are one day.

I need to be a nurse.  If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would quit my job, but I would use the money to support my family while I went back to school full-time.  It’s in my heart, but finding the guts to put other priorities second and go back after that dream has been hard for me.

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Dear Helmet Head,

#Tweet Your 16-Year Old Self

There is so much I want to tell you, warn you about, but these are what came to mind first.

• Real friends don’t put you down or talk behind your back, no matter what.  You know who your real friends are, so stop hanging on to those three that are bad for you.
• No matter what she says, you CAN get into college without your parents support.  Don’t be ashamed, talked to a guidance counselor.  Don’t let your grades and SAT scores go to waste.  They will help you figure out a way to make it happen.
• Talk to D’s parents about stuff going on and things you need help with, they are your 2^nd home and they have your best interest at heart.  They will keep you moving in the right direction.
• Stick close to J.  You’ve been friends since K and you will regret drifting away senior year because she passes that following Fall and you never forgive yourself for the space you put between you.
• It’s okay to like school and be a “geek”.  Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
• You are not fat.  It’s ok to have a butt and boobs and that’s why your clothes fit different.
• Your best friend has a crush on you.   That thing they say about boys teasing is true.  Rock your haircut and fuck everyone else.

Stop by at Chibi Jeebs place and play along.  I had fun reading everyone’s tweets and thought I would link up.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’ve been avoiding this one, big time.   There are so many things I fault myself for and to be honest, they all end up circling back to my oldest daughter specifically.

I need to forgive myself for not being more prepared to become a mother when I did.  I became a mother at 20, while still living under my mother’s roof.  I had a job, a bank account, savings and a car, but that’s about it.  No degree, no career, house or even my own apartment.  I feel like I cheated my daughter and that is the last thing I would want to do.  She is the love of my life and even though I have worked so hard and always put her first, I always feel like I should’ve done more and been able to give her stability from day one.

Instead she grew up with me.  It’s something that keeps me up at night

I went back to school about four months after she was born and did a majority of my perquisites for nursing school.  I felt so guilty being away from her so much because I was working during the day and going to school at night.  Then Tim started mandatory classes for the Electrical Union and so I stepped down and quit.  I didn’t see what could’ve been our future if I had begged my mother for help at night.  I kick myself for where I could be right now 10 years later.  Definitely not typing this from the cubicle where I sit today.  It sucks.

I need to forgive myself for not always having the money for things that she wants.  I need to forgive myself when she asks why we don’t own a vacation home like her friends or get to go on as many trips as they do.  I need to forgive myself for not being able to be there after school or be able to chaperone field trips.  I need to forgive myself for not being the mother I planned to be for my children and use guilt to motivate me to keep putting my best foot forward.

feel like letting go…

I’m so ready for the weekend.  I’m ready for soccer games, wine and relaxation.   I’ve decided I need to get out more like I used to.  I think I’m in the house too much and when I’m not, it’s always about work or the kids.  I need some time for friends and to shake my ass.  Which lately is only done in my car or while I’m cleaning up the house.  I miss dancing and I absolutely love this song.  What are you doing this weekend?

small change

When I look back about 10 years I see so much has changed around me and within me.  I became a mother at 20, went back to school, put school on hold, worked my ass off, battled with the ups and downs of my weight, became a mother again at 28 and struggled through the highs and lows of life.

This journey through life has changed me, some for better and some for worse.  I’ve put things in my life on hold with the intention that it was for the better of my family.   I regret those choices and unfortunately have beaten myself up for it many times over.  It caused me to lose confidence in my decision-making and I’ve been going through life second guessing myself. And that sucks.

I used to take the time for me to care for the way I dressed, did my hair and would walk around with my head up and a smile on my face.  And it was genuine.   Now my smiles feel forced, unless I’m around my kids or chatting with friends online.   I’m determined to change that.  To find what used to make me happy again and open myself up to new experiences that will bring back the feelings that built up inside and make it impossible for me to not smile because over the years, my presence in pictures has dwindled and become almost non-existent.  I hate it.  I have tons of pictures of my kids and friends and family, but hardly any with me.

I used to jump in front of the camera, to smile, goof off or just to be part of a memory.  Lately, I was afraid of how I would look.  Would my weight cause me to delete a picture that included someone else that I loved only because I couldn’t stand to see what everyone saw.  I couldn’t take the chance.

This weekend I decided to make a small change.  I was spending time take pictures with Rory and got some great shots.  We had just had breakfast and were goofing around.  No shower, no makeup, but somehow I suddenly had the balls to be in front of the camera.  I had to have proof that I was there for these good times and will continue to be for as long as I live.  I will find my happy again.

fix you

When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth…

-Coldplay

When you called last night, it felt different.  I was happy, relieved at the sound of your voice and the truth of your ambition.

In the past these calls would’ve shaken my nerves and fed my anxiety and fear of what was next to come.  But not last night.

I usually try to trust my gut and to be honest, there have been times that I’ve ignored it because I just want things to be easy and back to “normal” as quickly as possible.  We both realized more time was needed.

You are entering the next phase at the recommendation of those who got to the bottom of things, we hope, and started the process to make things right again.

This next step, however, was yours to commit to and you did for the better of you and our family.  I love you for that.  I am so grateful that after many years of questioning and assumptions, ups and downs, you may have finally found the help that will guide you home.  For good.

We miss you.

The Quest

I mentioned one of my posts (<– look at that I learned how to link a post! yay me!) that I was on a quest for the perfect slice of Italian wedding cake.

I should preface this by explaining how I’ve established better eating habits lately and sugar is one of the things I’ve toned done quite a bit on.  I loves me some sugar, but the combination of my hypothyroidism and my asshole PCP who will not up my meds, I need to make a change. Boo!

Last night I headed to the North End with my girls.  We asked for Italian wedding cake and basically they told me I would need to make an appointment with the “cake person”, so that was that.  After a bit of Googling while my kids ogled the pastry cases, I realized there are many types of Italian recipes that are used for wedding cake.  So we each picked a slice and brought them home.

Here’s a picture you can ogle at.

The jury is back.  We used a scale of 1-10.

Strawberry Shortcake

Me: 6  I really would’ve like it more if it was just slices of fresh strawberries

Haley: 5  “I like the top half, but the strawberry half is gross.”

Rory: “mmm, dis good”

Rum Cake

Me: 9

Haley: 7

Rory: “mmm, dis good”

Chocolate Mouse Cake

Me: 8.5

Haley: 10

Rory: “mmm, dis good”

We all went to bed happy and full last night.  My body however, went into sugar shock I think.  I woke up at 2am, with what felt like a baby cake alien trying to dig it’s way out of my stomach with a rusty fork.  I prayed for puke thinking it would give me some relief, but I instead spent the following 2 1/2 hours in the fetal position on my bed in a cold sweat begging for mercy.

It was totally worth it.

Shattered

Someone I love is hurting.   For years I have seen their ups and downs, ins and outs.  I’ve done what I can to be there, to be supportive.  Sometimes it’s too much and I blamed myself for not being able to do more.  I know now that there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t control it no matter how I tried.  I became so desperate and determined to keep things moving forward in the right direction.

I finally understand that it is impossible to help someone move forward, when they have lost all control.  When they look you in the eye and tell you they just don’t know how to be the person they were before, it’s hard not to shatter into a million pieces on the inside while nodding your head in understanding to try to assure them that you are going to be alright while they are gone.

They have been hurt, but they realize they love who they were enough to surrender themselves to those that are trained to help them find that again.   They love us enough to be away, behind closed doors, until those that determine the best course of action open them again with a plan for moving forward.

In the meantime, I try to find me.  The person I think I lost while trying to hold everything up that was falling helplessly around me.

It may take a while for both of us. I’m trying so hard to have hope.  I want to be able to make it through this without holding on to hurt and resentment.  Only time will tell if they will be able to prove stability and gain back trust.  Only time will tell if all the love we believed was there can outlast this pain.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.” -unknown

I’ll be on my boat

Well metaphorically speaking that is because I don’t actually have a boat.  I’m just all up in my head lately and not really paying attention to those around me.  I’m not purposely ignoring them, it just comes in spurts.  One minute I’m able to hold a conversation, be supportive and what not.  Then there are moments I’m about as good conversationally as a ChapStick.

So, for now I’ll be on my boat.  A boat that is tied up at the dock and anchored because I would damn near have a panic attack if ever really surrounded on all sides by ocean.

Around Town

I think people can either love or hate living in the city.  We live in a one of the best neighborhoods in Boston, in my opinion. I grew up in the next town over. Tim grew up here.  We’ve been here for eight years now and I was skeptic at first, but it’s a place I’ve come to appreciate more each day.

It’s historic, diverse, has a great sense of community and is convenient to everything.  Walk, bike, drive, jump on a bus or train.  It’s all at your fingertips.

The North End (“Little Italy”), which has the most glorious pastries and my favorite Chinese restaurant and Starbucks.   You can spend some time at Faneuil Hall, Boston Common, Downtown, Copley, Boylston and Newbury Street. There is so much to see, but too much to list here.

I’ve decided that I will make more of an effort to bring my camera with me every time I step out of my house.  I’ve spent most of my life here, but if I ever do leave, I want to take those memories with me.  Memories more tangible than those I hold in my heart.