Dear Helmet Head,

#Tweet Your 16-Year Old Self

There is so much I want to tell you, warn you about, but these are what came to mind first.

• Real friends don’t put you down or talk behind your back, no matter what.  You know who your real friends are, so stop hanging on to those three that are bad for you.
• No matter what she says, you CAN get into college without your parents support.  Don’t be ashamed, talked to a guidance counselor.  Don’t let your grades and SAT scores go to waste.  They will help you figure out a way to make it happen.
• Talk to D’s parents about stuff going on and things you need help with, they are your 2^nd home and they have your best interest at heart.  They will keep you moving in the right direction.
• Stick close to J.  You’ve been friends since K and you will regret drifting away senior year because she passes that following Fall and you never forgive yourself for the space you put between you.
• It’s okay to like school and be a “geek”.  Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks.
• You are not fat.  It’s ok to have a butt and boobs and that’s why your clothes fit different.
• Your best friend has a crush on you.   That thing they say about boys teasing is true.  Rock your haircut and fuck everyone else.

Stop by at Chibi Jeebs place and play along.  I had fun reading everyone’s tweets and thought I would link up.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’ve been avoiding this one, big time.   There are so many things I fault myself for and to be honest, they all end up circling back to my oldest daughter specifically.

I need to forgive myself for not being more prepared to become a mother when I did.  I became a mother at 20, while still living under my mother’s roof.  I had a job, a bank account, savings and a car, but that’s about it.  No degree, no career, house or even my own apartment.  I feel like I cheated my daughter and that is the last thing I would want to do.  She is the love of my life and even though I have worked so hard and always put her first, I always feel like I should’ve done more and been able to give her stability from day one.

Instead she grew up with me.  It’s something that keeps me up at night

I went back to school about four months after she was born and did a majority of my perquisites for nursing school.  I felt so guilty being away from her so much because I was working during the day and going to school at night.  Then Tim started mandatory classes for the Electrical Union and so I stepped down and quit.  I didn’t see what could’ve been our future if I had begged my mother for help at night.  I kick myself for where I could be right now 10 years later.  Definitely not typing this from the cubicle where I sit today.  It sucks.

I need to forgive myself for not always having the money for things that she wants.  I need to forgive myself when she asks why we don’t own a vacation home like her friends or get to go on as many trips as they do.  I need to forgive myself for not being able to be there after school or be able to chaperone field trips.  I need to forgive myself for not being the mother I planned to be for my children and use guilt to motivate me to keep putting my best foot forward.

Stuck

I’m stuck in a place I don’t want to be.  A place full of resentment. This is not the first time.  I break away from it, I move on (or so I think I do), I am happy and then I find myself circling back again.

I don’t want to point fingers, so I am really doing my best lately not to. Unfortunately, I find that I redirect those resentful feelings back on myself.  I apologize.  I apologize to myself for not being stronger, putting my life on hold, not asking for more help, not believing in myself.  I apologize for giving up to easily, not looking harder for a way, the answers, for trusting too much and letting things get worse.

I’ve been in therapy and yet, I still can’t find a way to let go.  I refuse to be unhappy anymore, but I don’t know where to start. I’m moving forward down a path that I’m trying now to plan carefully, but I feel like I’m setting myself up to fail.  Waiting for things to go wrong.

These feelings of hurt, worry, anger are making it hard for me to see the positive. The thoughts in my head race, jump around to try to find how I can make things good.  I’m desperate.  I want to be happy. I want to work towards my dreams and goals without them seeming impossible.  I’m determined to make it happen, but I can’t seem to figure out the first step.