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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

November 5, 2010 1 comment

I need to forgive Tim.   I need to forgive him for the past.  For something that I always looked at as a choice, but in reality it was out of his control.   I need to forgive him for not getting help sooner and for not always following the advice of others that had more experience and time, which led him back to his lowest point, many times over.

I know I need to forgive him and I want the past to be in the past, but the past is still fresh.  It’s scary to think where he is now could be gone in an instant.  I have a hard time letting my guard down, so that I can enjoy the now.  I’m working on forgiveness though because it’s important to both of us.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

November 4, 2010 2 comments

I’ve been avoiding this one, big time.   There are so many things I fault myself for and to be honest, they all end up circling back to my oldest daughter specifically.

I need to forgive myself for not being more prepared to become a mother when I did.  I became a mother at 20, while still living under my mother’s roof.  I had a job, a bank account, savings and a car, but that’s about it.  No degree, no career, house or even my own apartment.  I feel like I cheated my daughter and that is the last thing I would want to do.  She is the love of my life and even though I have worked so hard and always put her first, I always feel like I should’ve done more and been able to give her stability from day one.

Instead she grew up with me.  It’s something that keeps me up at night

I went back to school about four months after she was born and did a majority of my perquisites for nursing school.  I felt so guilty being away from her so much because I was working during the day and going to school at night.  Then Tim started mandatory classes for the Electrical Union and so I stepped down and quit.  I didn’t see what could’ve been our future if I had begged my mother for help at night.  I kick myself for where I could be right now 10 years later.  Definitely not typing this from the cubicle where I sit today.  It sucks.

I need to forgive myself for not always having the money for things that she wants.  I need to forgive myself when she asks why we don’t own a vacation home like her friends or get to go on as many trips as they do.  I need to forgive myself for not being able to be there after school or be able to chaperone field trips.  I need to forgive myself for not being the mother I planned to be for my children and use guilt to motivate me to keep putting my best foot forward.

Shattered

July 26, 2010 1 comment

Someone I love is hurting.   For years I have seen their ups and downs, ins and outs.  I’ve done what I can to be there, to be supportive.  Sometimes it’s too much and I blamed myself for not being able to do more.  I know now that there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t control it no matter how I tried.  I became so desperate and determined to keep things moving forward in the right direction.

I finally understand that it is impossible to help someone move forward, when they have lost all control.  When they look you in the eye and tell you they just don’t know how to be the person they were before, it’s hard not to shatter into a million pieces on the inside while nodding your head in understanding to try to assure them that you are going to be alright while they are gone.

They have been hurt, but they realize they love who they were enough to surrender themselves to those that are trained to help them find that again.   They love us enough to be away, behind closed doors, until those that determine the best course of action open them again with a plan for moving forward.

In the meantime, I try to find me.  The person I think I lost while trying to hold everything up that was falling helplessly around me.

It may take a while for both of us. I’m trying so hard to have hope.  I want to be able to make it through this without holding on to hurt and resentment.  Only time will tell if they will be able to prove stability and gain back trust.  Only time will tell if all the love we believed was there can outlast this pain.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.” -unknown

I’ll be on my boat

Well metaphorically speaking that is because I don’t actually have a boat.  I’m just all up in my head lately and not really paying attention to those around me.  I’m not purposely ignoring them, it just comes in spurts.  One minute I’m able to hold a conversation, be supportive and what not.  Then there are moments I’m about as good conversationally as a ChapStick.

So, for now I’ll be on my boat.  A boat that is tied up at the dock and anchored because I would damn near have a panic attack if ever really surrounded on all sides by ocean.

image

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Stuck

I’m stuck in a place I don’t want to be.  A place full of resentment. This is not the first time.  I break away from it, I move on (or so I think I do), I am happy and then I find myself circling back again.

I don’t want to point fingers, so I am really doing my best lately not to. Unfortunately, I find that I redirect those resentful feelings back on myself.  I apologize.  I apologize to myself for not being stronger, putting my life on hold, not asking for more help, not believing in myself.  I apologize for giving up to easily, not looking harder for a way, the answers, for trusting too much and letting things get worse.

I’ve been in therapy and yet, I still can’t find a way to let go.  I refuse to be unhappy anymore, but I don’t know where to start. I’m moving forward down a path that I’m trying now to plan carefully, but I feel like I’m setting myself up to fail.  Waiting for things to go wrong.

These feelings of hurt, worry, anger are making it hard for me to see the positive. The thoughts in my head race, jump around to try to find how I can make things good.  I’m desperate.  I want to be happy. I want to work towards my dreams and goals without them seeming impossible.  I’m determined to make it happen, but I can’t seem to figure out the first step.

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