Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I’ve been avoiding this one, big time. There are so many things I fault myself for and to be honest, they all end up circling back to my oldest daughter specifically.
I need to forgive myself for not being more prepared to become a mother when I did. I became a mother at 20, while still living under my mother’s roof. I had a job, a bank account, savings and a car, but that’s about it. No degree, no career, house or even my own apartment. I feel like I cheated my daughter and that is the last thing I would want to do. She is the love of my life and even though I have worked so hard and always put her first, I always feel like I should’ve done more and been able to give her stability from day one.
Instead she grew up with me. It’s something that keeps me up at night
I went back to school about four months after she was born and did a majority of my perquisites for nursing school. I felt so guilty being away from her so much because I was working during the day and going to school at night. Then Tim started mandatory classes for the Electrical Union and so I stepped down and quit. I didn’t see what could’ve been our future if I had begged my mother for help at night. I kick myself for where I could be right now 10 years later. Definitely not typing this from the cubicle where I sit today. It sucks.
I need to forgive myself for not always having the money for things that she wants. I need to forgive myself when she asks why we don’t own a vacation home like her friends or get to go on as many trips as they do. I need to forgive myself for not being able to be there after school or be able to chaperone field trips. I need to forgive myself for not being the mother I planned to be for my children and use guilt to motivate me to keep putting my best foot forward.