Wordless Wednesday: Grandpa’s “motashycle”

September 29, 2010 2 comments

feel like letting go…

September 24, 2010 6 comments

I’m so ready for the weekend.  I’m ready for soccer games, wine and relaxation.   I’ve decided I need to get out more like I used to.  I think I’m in the house too much and when I’m not, it’s always about work or the kids.  I need some time for friends and to shake my ass.  Which lately is only done in my car or while I’m cleaning up the house.  I miss dancing and I absolutely love this song.  What are you doing this weekend?

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WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

September 1, 2010 Leave a comment

A day at Honey Pot Hill.

small change

When I look back about 10 years I see so much has changed around me and within me.  I became a mother at 20, went back to school, put school on hold, worked my ass off, battled with the ups and downs of my weight, became a mother again at 28 and struggled through the highs and lows of life.

This journey through life has changed me, some for better and some for worse.  I’ve put things in my life on hold with the intention that it was for the better of my family.   I regret those choices and unfortunately have beaten myself up for it many times over.  It caused me to lose confidence in my decision-making and I’ve been going through life second guessing myself. And that sucks.

I used to take the time for me to care for the way I dressed, did my hair and would walk around with my head up and a smile on my face.  And it was genuine.   Now my smiles feel forced, unless I’m around my kids or chatting with friends online.   I’m determined to change that.  To find what used to make me happy again and open myself up to new experiences that will bring back the feelings that built up inside and make it impossible for me to not smile because over the years, my presence in pictures has dwindled and become almost non-existent.  I hate it.  I have tons of pictures of my kids and friends and family, but hardly any with me.

I used to jump in front of the camera, to smile, goof off or just to be part of a memory.  Lately, I was afraid of how I would look.  Would my weight cause me to delete a picture that included someone else that I loved only because I couldn’t stand to see what everyone saw.  I couldn’t take the chance.

This weekend I decided to make a small change.  I was spending time take pictures with Rory and got some great shots.  We had just had breakfast and were goofing around.  No shower, no makeup, but somehow I suddenly had the balls to be in front of the camera.  I had to have proof that I was there for these good times and will continue to be for as long as I live.  I will find my happy again.

image

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I love this routine. It gives me chills each time I watch it.

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fix you

When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth…

-Coldplay

When you called last night, it felt different.  I was happy, relieved at the sound of your voice and the truth of your ambition.

In the past these calls would’ve shaken my nerves and fed my anxiety and fear of what was next to come.  But not last night.

I usually try to trust my gut and to be honest, there have been times that I’ve ignored it because I just want things to be easy and back to “normal” as quickly as possible.  We both realized more time was needed.

You are entering the next phase at the recommendation of those who got to the bottom of things, we hope, and started the process to make things right again.

This next step, however, was yours to commit to and you did for the better of you and our family.  I love you for that.  I am so grateful that after many years of questioning and assumptions, ups and downs, you may have finally found the help that will guide you home.  For good.

We miss you.

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The Quest

July 30, 2010 1 comment

I mentioned one of my posts (<– look at that I learned how to link a post! yay me!) that I was on a quest for the perfect slice of Italian wedding cake.

I should preface this by explaining how I’ve established better eating habits lately and sugar is one of the things I’ve toned done quite a bit on.  I loves me some sugar, but the combination of my hypothyroidism and my asshole PCP who will not up my meds, I need to make a change. Boo!

Last night I headed to the North End with my girls.  We asked for Italian wedding cake and basically they told me I would need to make an appointment with the “cake person”, so that was that.  After a bit of Googling while my kids ogled the pastry cases, I realized there are many types of Italian recipes that are used for wedding cake.  So we each picked a slice and brought them home.

Here’s a picture you can ogle at.

The jury is back.  We used a scale of 1-10.

Strawberry Shortcake

Me: 6  I really would’ve like it more if it was just slices of fresh strawberries

Haley: 5  “I like the top half, but the strawberry half is gross.”

Rory: “mmm, dis good”

Rum Cake

Me: 9

Haley: 7

Rory: “mmm, dis good”

Chocolate Mouse Cake

Me: 8.5

Haley: 10

Rory: “mmm, dis good”

We all went to bed happy and full last night.  My body however, went into sugar shock I think.  I woke up at 2am, with what felt like a baby cake alien trying to dig it’s way out of my stomach with a rusty fork.  I prayed for puke thinking it would give me some relief, but I instead spent the following 2 1/2 hours in the fetal position on my bed in a cold sweat begging for mercy.

It was totally worth it.

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Wordless Wednesday

Doing Wordless Wednesday a little different this week.

Still one of my favorite songs ever.

Randomness

July 27, 2010 1 comment

Songs I love singing (badly) in the car right now:

Home – Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

You lost me – Christina Aguilera

Billionaire – Travis McCoy feat. Bruno Mars   (what up, Oprah!)

Nothin’ on You – B.O.B. feat. Bruno Mars

My Chick Bad – Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj (it’s going down – basement)

Young Forever – Jay-Z feat. Mr. Hudson

Not Afraid – Eminem

Ways to drive like an asshole and be sure to piss me off:

You have the blinker.  Who knew?  Use it!

In the city, double parking is understandable.  However, double parking while blocking an open space because you just don’t want to pay the meter when I would be happy to.  You suck.

I get it. You don’t want to wait in the lane for your exit off Storrow Drive. Traffic blows. We all know this.  You can do like some people and get in the next lane, speed up and then try to cut in front of me who has been impatiently waiting in said lane like the courteous driver that I am, Pffft! Never gonna happen my friend.

Things I’m all about or trying to figure out right now:

I’m hearing a lot of talk about Edamame lately.  For instance…..

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@shuggilippo i knew there was a reason why i liked you. blue cheese and edamame FTW!

about 14 hours ago via web in reply to shuggilippo Reply Retweet

EmmieJ

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I pictured it to be like long lettuce leaves or something and I googled it and now I’m all WTF? Aren’t they just the yummy pea pods that come in lo mein?
Italian Wedding Cake.  I don’t think I need to say more on this, but I will.  I need some.  Period.  After watching the 24hr Restaurant Battle on Food Network with Rossella and Team Nonna, my heart has been set.  I think I’m going to go on a quest to find the perfect piece of Italian Wedding Cake.  Considering all the fantastic Italian bakeries in the North End, I foresee a decent challenge in my future.  And quite possibly and extra 4-5lbs on my ass.
Pasta Fagioli. It’s been a love of mine for quite some time.  Tim introduced me to it about 6 years ago.  He used to do all the electrical work for the Il Panino restaurants and I swear the way he talked about it, I’m pretty sure he would’ve taken payment in bowls of this soup.
I’m embarrassed to say the first time I tried it was at Olive Garden, GASP!  First AND last time I will eat at that place.  Maybe it was just the one I went to, but their dishes did not do the words “authentic Italian” any justice.  However, the Pasta Fagioli was pretty tasty.  Since then, I’ve tried it a few different places and now after much online recipe research, I’m going to find the one that I will add to the menu of my home.  Who knows, maybe everyone will hate it and talk shit about my food like I just did to the Olive Garden.  Ah, well.

Wouldn’t this be nice?


photos by awesomerandomness.tumblr.com

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Shattered

July 26, 2010 1 comment

Someone I love is hurting.   For years I have seen their ups and downs, ins and outs.  I’ve done what I can to be there, to be supportive.  Sometimes it’s too much and I blamed myself for not being able to do more.  I know now that there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t control it no matter how I tried.  I became so desperate and determined to keep things moving forward in the right direction.

I finally understand that it is impossible to help someone move forward, when they have lost all control.  When they look you in the eye and tell you they just don’t know how to be the person they were before, it’s hard not to shatter into a million pieces on the inside while nodding your head in understanding to try to assure them that you are going to be alright while they are gone.

They have been hurt, but they realize they love who they were enough to surrender themselves to those that are trained to help them find that again.   They love us enough to be away, behind closed doors, until those that determine the best course of action open them again with a plan for moving forward.

In the meantime, I try to find me.  The person I think I lost while trying to hold everything up that was falling helplessly around me.

It may take a while for both of us. I’m trying so hard to have hope.  I want to be able to make it through this without holding on to hurt and resentment.  Only time will tell if they will be able to prove stability and gain back trust.  Only time will tell if all the love we believed was there can outlast this pain.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.” -unknown